Background noise

It all started the day after our breakup. Sometimes intense and, more tolerable at times but always there. There it was, there you were. At first, it was quite annoying for me trying to concentrate with that noise. It had become routine to do my daily life along with him, for some days, it was mellow, but some others were hard and suffocating. Why should I waste my energy remembering you? Why should I miss such a past or a future that has been cancelled? Why should I think of you? Why? It was not willful fighting against with it, it was worse. I needed to resist.

That damn background noise followed me day by day. It did not allow me to be entirely present to my family, my friends, my job, in my life. It was frustrating to work and lose my attention, but specially, it was thwarting to dissociate myself from the conversation of people I love the most just to dedicate you a moment. It was hopeless, I could not laugh as much as I wanted, I could not focus myself, not even enjoying my life.

It was very frustrating to realize how my friend’s face was fading away just to come back to your memory. Fortunately, and unfortunately, days and weeks went by. Eventually, life became clearer. I could live happier without that noise; I could enjoy my days and my life. Everything that was in front of me, all that you had screwed up in some way.

And finally, the noise disappeared. Suddenly, I was able to focus on my friend’s face who was in front of me, I was able to focus on her conversation without distractions, to enjoy her company, to laugh with friends, to read my books, to watch my movies, to listen to my songs,  to play with my dog and get fun without that annoying background noise. After all, Rulfo said: “There is not any memory, no matter how intense, that doesn’t fade out at last”. You faded away, but I started to shine.

By Aidé Ríos